One year gone  / Mom
How did one year pass by so quickly and at the same time, so agonizingly slow?  Seems in some ways like many years since I last saw you or heard your voice, and in other ways it seems like only yesterday when I first heard the news that would change my life's course forever.  I never thought this could happen to you - that something so dark, so heavy, so difficult to understand would come over you and convince you that you were alone.  There isn't anything I wouldn't do, wouldn't still do, for you, to help you, to try to convince you how important you were - and still are.  Yet, somehow I have to face the certainty of our time being over, for now.

I miss you.  I wonder if you know that.  I wonder if in heaven you can hear my prayers for you and how I ask God to give you messages from me.  Life with all its unexpected twists and turns used to seem like a very brief moment and now seems amazingly long - as there are too many days that separate me from you.  I want to run through the distance and arrive on the other side of this long night - safe in the harbor of God's home and your new home.  I want to spend eternity following you around, listening to you laugh, looking at you smile, holding your hand, and of course smacking you on the head for ever leaving me.  If you can hear me, see me, feel me - know this Jason, not one second of your life were you ever unloved, not one second of the rest of mine will you ever be forgotten.  I still carry you in my heart wherever I go.  Your face is always there before me, and in all that I do - each heartbeat echoes with the name of my beautiful you, Jason.

I realize now how silly I was to ever think I would forget about you - or that somehow when your life ended we would end.   You are such a part of me - and nothing can ever separate me from the love that is still so alive and just continues to grow.  I know you would want us to live on - because I truly believe that now you see that life is a gift and not a curse.  I believe that your illness clouded your mind and made your decision - it wasn't your choice to go.  I know that God understands that better than anyone.  So I'm just asking that you be a part of me, of everyone who loves you, and let your spirit of love and friendship be alive in our lives, so that in all we do, we can honor the memory of your gentle soul - and through us, and with us, you will live on.

Even in the sweetest moments, even in the deepest laughter, even in the quiet beauty of nature, there is always an ache - a longing to hold you again.  Son, I love you.  Not loved, not past-tense, but here and now- I love you.  I always will.  Your name is engraved upon my heart, your face burned into my soul.  There is no getting over - only going on - going on, with you.   Close

one year ago today  / Mom
Dear Jay,
How can one year have gone by since the day we sat in the conference room at St. Francis Hospital - and I massaged your hand and told you a lame joke and you laughed even with those tears in your eyes?  We argued that day about the meaning of life - you were telling me how it just didn't matter when you died because life was meaningless - and how I tried to convince you that your life meant everything.   I never thought I would live one day without your smile, your laugh, your presence here on this earth.  Sometimes, the pain was so bad I prayed that I could just stop breathing, but somehow, my soul clings to my body and my body keeps going on.  Amazing.
I wish that I could go back in time to that day - there's so much more I'd tell you now, hoping that I could change the outcome of June 8th.  God doesn't give us those kinds of second chances and even if he did, I know you wouldn't want to come back.  Still, I wish somehow I could have shown you just how much you meant to me - to your sister, to your friends, your grandparents, your cousins and aunts and uncles and your dad and how much we would lose if we lost you.  Do you know that now, somehow?  Do you see how your pain really didn't end with your life but was passed onto everyone who loved you? 

I miss you so much son.  Sometimes I struggle to accept this is real.  When I look at your picture and see you smiling back at me I wonder how you can really be gone.  I remember so clearly all the moments of your life that were so precious to me - a million shining memories that all make me glad you were my son and when I remember you it's like running into a brick wall because my last memories of you are that your life here is over.  I don't want it to be over.  I don't want to have to face going on without you.  With all that I am, every thought, every breath, every single heartbeat - I want you back.  I want you, Jason. I  want to hold you and hold you and never let you go, but I can't.   I remember last year so well - just as well as I remember the day they placed you in my arms 22 years ago and how the joy of that first memory is now shadowed by the sorrow of knowing that the baby I loved so much was ripped out of my arms. 
I know I will never forget you, not one single detail from the mole on your cheek to the hair on your chin that I called "goat hair," to the way you dusted the crumbs off your fingers and how sweet you looked when you were sleeping - I will never forget the light of Christmas decorations reflected in your eyes or the sound of your shoes slipping off your feet onto the floor as you crept in late at night when you came to visit and didn't want to wake us. 

Meaning  - Jason, look now and see - in every tear, in every song, in every toast and every memory - in all that we do and all that we'll ever do, see yourself ---- your life even now, has so much meaning.  I will always love you, sweet boy.  Always and always, Mom Close

The gray bird story - told to Vivian Lloyd  / Grandma And Grandpa Horne
One day we found a little gray bird in our house.  We couldn't figure out how it got in there.  It was downstairs and there weren't any open doors or windows.  We were trying not to scare it and also trying to figure out how we were going to get it out of the house when it flew to the room where Jason used to stay and right to the window where Jason had removed the screen - like it knew that the screen wasn't there.  It stayed still while we opened the window and then flew out - but when it flew out, it flew straight up and disappeared.  We really felt like it was Jason's way of telling us that he was at peace - Jason was the only one that knew about the screen and we still have never figured out how that gray bird got into our house.  Close

Some where over the rainbow  / Connie Claspell (Aunt)
Jay, we let ballons go yesterday in honor of your first birthday in heaven.  As I watched the ballons go higher, and higher, I saw you looking down through the clouds with your wonderful smile and your arms opened wide engulfing us all in a big bear hug. 
                         I love you, Connie Close

Lovely tribute to Jason  / Eileen Farrar
Vivian, my heart just feels so much emotion when I look through the pictures of the life of your wonderful son.  I love the pictures of him with his little sister.  Close

I still cannot beleive it. / Greg Witwer (Close Friend (Brother))
I still cannot beleive it to this day about what had happened. The last time I had talked to Jason he was still full of life and was happy for all that I could tell. He was a true friend and also was a brother to me, and I never had many friends that where as close to me as he was. Close

My Buddy, Jason  / Adam Haeffner (Friend (brother) )

Jason,
     I never imagined this would happen again, especially to you.  Remember the night we found out about Jeremy and we went to Glen's house to drown our sorrows?  Now it's you.  I just can't believe you're gone.  I've never lost someone so close to me.  It seems like the six and a half years I knew you was my whole life because we had so many good memories together.  Remember your 15th birthday party when all of LoA was there and you rented Brain Candy and the Pest.  "I invented a pill, that gives worms, to ex-girlfriends." Hehehe.  Remember when just me and you hiked up Gold Camp and lit a fire in the tunnel?  Remember crashing at your Grandparents house and sifting through cigar butts to find a stogie to puff on?  Remember Arsenal with Mike and the countless practices and times we played in Erin, Rob or Brett's basement for parties?  Remember how only LoA would eat lunch in that spot right in front of CSCS?  Remember Mr. Dekorne's house and how crazy that entire situation was?  Remember the party at my mom's house when everyone was sitting on the floor huddled around you laughing?  "Why are you so small?"  Remember every Saturday night at Howie's?  Remember your old apartment with Brent when you had Molly?  Remember my first time smoking when Lynsey, Mike, and Tyler were over there?  That is one of my best memories.  You were sitting on that little green foam chair just dancing and swinging your arms around with the music.  You used to make me cry because I laughed so hard!  Remember Tool Time or the Tool concerts?  It just isn't the same without you now.  You understood the connection and had a passion for it.  Remember 4-wheeling in the Bronco and the time we collided with another Jeep in the snow?  Remember when we first got the house and all the cool parties?  Remember all the camping trips at 11 Mile, like the time Tyler jumped in the water after my bandana and busted his leg.  Remember watching snowboard videos nonstop and hiking up to Cinco?  Remember all the snowboarding trips we took to Copper?  There is so much I want to do with you still.  There are so many things that happen where I think to myself, "Jason would love to be here right now."  It will never be the same without you.  It can't.  You cannot be replaced because you are one of a kind.  You were one of the few people I knew that had opened their third eye and could imagine the unreal.  We had so many smart discussions on life and reality because we were philosophers, remember?  I am reminded of you wherever I go. You were more than a friend.  You were a brother to me, and I would have done anything for you.  I just wish you would have taken me up on that.  I should have been right there by your side last June, but I wasn't, and that regret haunts me every time I think about you.  Can you ever forgive me?  I miss you so much, Jason, and I can't wait until I get to shake your hand and give you a HUGE hug!  My only comfort is knowing that you are with Him now, so rest in peace, my friend, until we meet again.  I love you man!
Your Brother,
Adam
4-12-05

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Ten Months  / Vivian (Mom)

I can't believe it's been 10 months. I remember how I used to count the hours, then the days, then the weeks. Tuesdays were so hard. Now it's been months. I stare at his picture and I think, how can this be real. I'm still, even after 10 months, numb. I know he's gone, but he doesn't feel gone. Does that make sense? I feel him - hear him - I can even smell him, so how can he just be gone? Erased. All I'm left with is this brokenness. This unbearable constant ache. Emptiness in all the places he used to fill. His life was such a enormous part of my life. Who am I if I'm not Jason's mom. I still don't know how to be me. Even though I'm still me, still Jason's mom, but now I'm the mother of his memory, not his present, not his future. He is the child of my past...is there anything more crushing than that reality???

The one I love destroyed the one I love. How do I ever bring my mind to reckon with that, that my beautiful child so full of life used his own hand to end his life? My only son reduced himself to ashes and memories. I feel him slipping through my fingers, dreading the day I realize I haven't thought about him today, I can't hear his voice as clearly, see his eyes. Caught in between going forward and holding on to the past. Not daring to imagine there could be a future without him, I don't look ahead.

Where are the words I can use to tell those who haven't met him what he was like? How could I ever make anyone understand how special he was to me - I can only say how incredibly empty the world feels now without him. I used to be someone who thought that somehow it was less painful to lose someone to suicide - because they chose to die. How could I know that there's nothing worse than losing a child and it doesn't matter why? Now I stare back at a world where others believe the same thing, that somehow my grief should be less because he took his life. No one seems to understand his life was taken, there was no choice. He was sick and he didn't choose his illness. It came on as unexpectedly as cancer and it destroyed his mind and his will to live. I hear how "selfish" suicide is - how could he do that to me - and I stare in disbelief at the ignorance and selfishness of the person who not only can't understand pain but refuses to see how deep my mourning, how great my loss,
and adds their stupid assumptions to my burden. Yet I was like them once - blissfully unaware of a world full of mothers whose hearts are broken and crushed. A world full of sons who have lost all hope and slip away.

I'm ashamed of who I used to be, someone who could not sit beside a brokenhearted person, but quickly looked away. As I watch life marching on, I am reminded of how I once marched with it. Now I see too clearly the only hands that reach for mine belong to others like me - those who know the pain. Now I know that I can never look away again - that to do so would be to deny my own heart, to deny the grief that I have lived in these past ten months - to deny the love of my own child. Forever changed.

June 8th 2004 - ten months ago I lost my son to this invisible assailant, suicide. I lost my innocence, my ability to trust, my ability to laugh without a tinge of sorrow, my focus on what was then important, but worst of all, I lost the one person in whom I was complete in the presence of. From the moment he was born, I knew I would only feel whole when he was in my arms - and later as he grew, it was enough to be near him. To have him home meant for the time he was here, I was able to be fully content. Now there will always be an emptiness - a longing unfulfilled, a melancholy ache named Jason.

Please God, give me peace and teach me, if it's possible, to love others more with this broken heart.

Vivian
Jason's Mom
4/29/83 -6/8/04

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Wish we had more time...  / Kimberly Klipsch (Cousin)
     Hey Jason i sure miss you. i knw we never had alot of time togather. I cant remember much but what i can remember is the fun i always had with you and jimmy. You guys were so funny you would always make me laugh. I just wish we could have spent more time togather. I love you  and i miss you alot.


            Will always be in my heatr and prayers\
                             Kimmie Klipsch Close

Vivian / Jimmy Giberson (cousin)
Vivian, I am truly sorry for you loss. I can't imagin the pain that your going through. I only know how bad I hert everyday and thats enuff to bring down a mountain. Want you to know that I will always be here if you need me. I think about you and Ratchel everyday and wonder how you are doing. I only learned about the website today. You have done a wonderful job with it. Its nice to see how many people have visited the site. I miss Jason so much. I keep thinking that there was more that I could have done, even though Im shure there isnt. I loved Jason as if he were my own brother. I have never been closer to anyone as he was to me. I had a tatoo done on my sholder. Its a cross and it has a banner wrapping around it with "In loving Memory of Jason Ray Horne 1983-2004". Its my own reminder of him.
                                                                               Love
                                                                             Jimmy Close

Jason the best man I ever knew  / Jimmy Giberson (Cousin(brother))
Jason Ray Horne was my cousin, best friend, and in my eyes my brother. We were always close, from my first memory of him to the last moment we shared. Jason is the only person I've met that could find the good in every situation. He was smart, funny, a good listener, and a damn good fisherman. I have so many memorys that I look back on everyday. I can remeber when we would dress up as army men. We would take trash bags to make our own ponchos, and go marching down the streets. Jason also loved the outdoors, camping and fishing. Everytime I came into town we would make camping trip. There were many times we would decide to go camping at like midnight, and just pack our stuff and go then and there. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I just try to remeber all the good times, and how he could always make me laugh no matter what. I will never foget you Jason. You will be in my heart untill I join you someday.
                                                                     Love Always and Forever,
                                                                James(Jimmy) Giberson Close

Thank you  / Anna Arnold (POS)
Dear Vivienne What a beautiful site you have for Jason and I can see all the love that went into it.

Anna Close

To Vivian  / Karen Jetley (Mom's friend)
My Dear Friend, You and I have become kindred spirits through the death of our sons. Our hearts have been exposed to reveal a depth of love and a loss so great that it is like looking into the face of God. As we have discovered, most people cannot bear to look. Through my pain I have glimpsed your broken and bleeding heart, as you have mine. You have a beautiful heart. You honor your son with your lament and your tears. Even though we walk through a world that no longer makes sense, we walk (or crawl) with faith, and hope...one step closer towards that glorious reunion! God bless and keep you my friend. Love, Karen Close

To Vivian:  / Suzi Brownlee
Viv,
My friend, what wonderful website to honor the memory of Jason, thank you for sharing him with us.  Anyone can see how truly loved he was and still is.
Gods blessings to you always!!
Suzi

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My family, my friend, my hero  / Chelsa Bandeko (Cousin)
Hanging out at the library, laughing, crying, and uhhh... being stared at by everyone within a 50 foot radius. But sometimes I can't help it, thinking back my eyes will water up and then I'm lost in him all over again. About a month back I called Jason on the phone not thinking but knowing, or at least convincing myself he would pick up and let me in on the joke, this wasn't the first time I proved myself to be very wrong. I just can't help spending at least 20 minutes everyday lost in memories of times when our biggest concern was who got to be goalie... It was always me, I pretended to hate it. But even though I'd get whacked buy about 30 hockey pucks a day it didn't matter because I got to hang out with Jason! How cool was I? I remember agreeing with him even when what he was saying seemed completely obsurd to me. I remember patroling the neighborhood for the guys off of 'America's Most Wanted', I remember skinned knees, I remember revealing birthday, and christmas presents one month early, I remember secrets, and strories, and being young. Still being so, so young. I remember it all, you're the one who held my hand and showed me the way to live; the one who made me the person I am sitting here right now. I look back and really know it's all because of you. My hero, my best friend, the coolest kid I ever knew.

May you never ache again.
May you never feel one ounce of pain.
I will never forget. Close