to my brother / Daniel Swinney (religious brother ) i understand how you felt that day i read memorials like yours to stay alive, if you read some of these things that your family has wrote , i think you you regret it . i came here thinking of suicide and i see the people that love you and think man my family will be hurt the same way . as i sit here and cry i talk myself out of it and think god for bringing me to your memorial the love that i see has saved a life i thank yall and love yall , my condolences to you and your family Daniel swinney age 25
Thinking of you both today / Cheri-mom Of Brian
((((Vivian & Jason)))) I am thinking of you today.
Vivian, I hope the day will pass peacefully for you. I wish you only beautfiul memories of your precious son today. Jason, may your spirt be free, shine bright and fly high. Please be with your mom today, give her a sign. She misses you so much.
Cheri-mom of Brian
"......and the Heavens will bless not those stars that shine the longest, but rather those that shine the brightest...."
Two years / Mom Where are the words? I can't seem to find them. I can't bring to life the feelings in my heart of loss and brokeness since you decided to go. I can't describe what the past 2 years have been like, the long nights spent chasing sleep, the times when I've hurt so badly that I wished for some way to turn off the pain even if only for a little while, the struggle to define who I am now, now that I'm not the person I was before this happened. There are no words.
Missing you. That doesn't quite get it. What I feel is such a longing, a wanting that can only end in that empty, hollow feeling that comes from knowing you are gone. My son. My beautiful, sweet, precious boy. I'm faced with a lifetime of remembering, of holding images of the past instead of the warmth of you in the present. Your time here was so fleeting. Yet you left such a void. I ache for what I used to have. What I once took so much for granted.
If love never truly dies then you know. There were so many times when we sat together that we didn't need words. There were so many times when just a look from you and I understood volumes about what you were thinking and feeling. I can never say how much I miss you, I can never sum up what I've lost or how everything changed in a single moment, how losing you is so much harder than it would be to lose my own life. I'd give anything to have you back, but I suppose even if I could, you wouldn't want to be back. That's the irony I suppose, that I wished life for you and still do. I guess I just never wanted to be in this world without you. I still don't. If I could change it, I would. But it was never up to me.
June 8th - how I dread this day for every year it takes me back to all the memories of losing you...the ones I find the hardest to live with...the days of loss and pain. June 8th is a day for tears, for being washed once again in the ocean of grief and regret. It is a day for looking back but also a day for prayers that somehow we'll be able to look back and see more than the pain of losing your smile - someday. For now, it still hurts too much. The wound may have gotten easier to hide, but it's still there and still it hurts so badly.
Jason, today I hope you are surrounded by those things that made you so special to me - laughter, love, music, playfulness, affection, and adventure. I always wondered where you got some of your more wonderful traits, your bravery, your quick wit and sense of humor, your love and loyalty, your desire to help others but I hope that those parts of you will live on in all of those who love you. Thank you God, for the gift of my son. Hold him now, close to your heart, and whisper in his ear - for truly God can find the words to say how much he is loved and always will be.
Happy Birthday, Jay / Mom Today you would have been 23. I would have baked a yellow cake with chocolate frosting ~ and maybe we would have gone out to dinner to someplace like Red Lobster. Instead, this day is a reminder of how time continues to pass without you, days grow into weeks and the weeks stretch into months, suddenly two years is upon us and I see how much the world has changed and wonder what you would be doing if you hadn't decided that the pain was far greater than you could handle for another day.
I'm in the desert today ~ but my heart and my mind are so far away, 23 years away, where on a stormy April morning I knew this would be the day we would meet. There were 18 hours of incredible pain followed by the very first time I saw your face and was completely captured by the magic of the miracle that landed in my life. You were so loved and so wanted ~ a cherished gift, a treasured son. I remember so well how from the very first instant I saw you, I loved you with so much of my heart that it scared me.
Standing next to a saguaro cactus in this desert heat, I hear the rain drops hitting the window in the hospital room where I held you. The sun burns my arms, and the only pain I feel is this sharp pain in my heart because I can't hold you. I can't turn back the clock to relive a single second of the time when you were here and how those years all passed by without me realizing that every single day was a day closer to your last day here. I don't know how to let go of the past, when it's all I have left of you...I try to move forward, to find some healing, but when it will come or if it will come, well, all I can do is hope.
Standing next to the saguaro, I saw a yellow bird. I miss you, son. My thoughts are with you always and I love you more than words can say. Happy birthday baby. You will always be part of me and all I ever do.
Love, Mom
If only / Mom (Mom) If only I had known that was the last time The very last time I would see you I would have taken the time to treasure everything about you
If only I had known that was our last hug I would have held you longer and prayed to never let you go.
If only I had known that something so stupid and wrong Would hurt you so badly I would have taken a stand and never allowed it happen.
If only I had known the darkness that was closing in around you I would have done all I could to bring you back into the light. If only I had known I would never share another day with you I would have made every single second count.
If only I had known, I would never be able to give you another gift I would have showered you with things that told you Nothing compared with you.
If only I had known that I was caught in a trap of living for tomorrow and a future that existed only in my dreams I would have slowed my pace, worked and worried less, And taken more time for showing you how much you were loved. If only I had known my choices, however small and seemingly insignificant, Were taking me away from you I would have turned around and ran back to you.
If only I had known your hand would never hold mine again I would have held onto all those moments when it did. If only I had known that even a child's days can be short I would have spent more nights rocking you to sleep.
If only I had known how little I understood you I would have listened closely to your words, searched out your thoughts And sought to know the deepest desires of your heart. If only I had known that my memories of you would be so precious I would have taken more time to carefully preserve your life story I would have held on to treasures that someone else so easily threw away.
If only I had known that was the last phone call we'd ever have I would have said more loving words.
If only I had known I was about to lose your smile I would have thanked you for all the joy you brought to my life. If only I had known I could never tuck you into bed again I would have cuddled you tight, refused to rush, enjoyed the wonder Of being with you.
If only I had known, I would never hear your voice again I would have cherished every word, memorized every inflection So that I could carry it always, in the depths of my heart.
If only I had known more about the hopelessness that you carried I would have moved heaven and earth to save you Given all I own and all I will ever be To come between you and your last desperate moments.
If only I had known that grief and heartache can be so devastating I would have been there more often for others.
half my heart / Mom (Mom)
Living with half my heart now Almost two years and still I don't know how Wake up to the pain, breathe in...breathe out. So many things I'll never figure out
The question hangs over my head like a sword Could I have saved you with some magical word I don't understand why you had to leave I should have tried harder to make you believe
You weren't just a Romeo in some stupid play Your heart was so trusting and you gave it away But your life was so precious and you just didn't see Whatever happened that night, this was not meant to be
I'd give anything for one more look in your eyes Where are you I ask, as I search the skies But now at last, your ashes have come home, You'll be able to rest, and you won't be alone.
You were my baby, my child, my sweet little son You were laughter and giggles and you made life fun But you were also long talks, sensitive, funny and sweet When you were here, my life was complete
A sword pierces my soul, a wound that runs deep I chase dreams of you but this pain does not sleep I can only hope someday, I'll understand why Perhaps finding the answers, after I die.
They told me you took your life on that night The truth is you had used up all your fight You were tired of hurting, being used, and the lies And this is what happens when hope truly dies
Living with half my heart Almost two years now that we've been apart Have you missed anything, or are you still near I don't know Jason, I just wish you were here.
I miss our talks, our jokes, hearing you say, "hey Mom," and "I love you, Mom." We were close, I thought you told me everything. I never thought you'd leave, not like this. I wish so many things, but mostly I wish I had made you come home with me from the hospital. I would have done everything I could to keep you safe, to help you see how important you were, how many people loved you, how that one person was so not worth dying for. One more chance. One more day. I suppose we all wish for that. It's such a cliche, but it's so true. We don't realize what we have until it's gone. I never knew just how much I loved you ~ even though I knew I loved you, until you were gone.
If you're close-by and can see me and hear me, I hope all you see is how much I love you. It hurt me so bad to lose you, sometimes I wonder, even now, if I can survive this. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do - the hardest thing any mom has to do and should never have to do. I hope you have found a place where your broken heart can heal, where your spirit can soar, and where you realize without any uncertainty what a gift you are, how important you are, how truly beautiful and wonderful you are son. All your talent and everything from the way you loved little kids to how you played your guitar - your fearlessness, all the things that made you Jason - are so absent now from our lives. What an enormous space, what an endless wound, what a difference in the world you made...now absent. I miss you doesn't come close - I ache for you, each day, a little closer to the day when I will hold you again.
Your life was worth so much more than you thought, so much more than you could have even imagined. Rest in peace, sweet boy. Your memory will be honored. I love you, Mom. Close
With Love To Dear Jason XOXO / Jane Einarson Matthew's Mom (I care/friend )Read >>
With Love To Dear Jason XOXO / Jane Einarson Matthew's Mom (I care/friend ) Close
Happy St. Patricks Sweet Jason XO / Jane Einarson~Matthew's Mom (I care/friend )Read >>
Happy St. Patricks Sweet Jason XO / Jane Einarson~Matthew's Mom (I care/friend ) Close
Thinking of Jason and his family today. / Julie ~. A. Friend Of Angle Emery McKeen Read >>
Thinking of Jason and his family today. / Julie ~. A. Friend Of Angle Emery McKeen
Sending angel love, hugs and kisses ((((XOXO)))) and praying for your family.
VALENTINE'S BLESSINGS & CARE SWEET JASON XO / Jane Einarson (I care/Friend )Read >>
VALENTINE'S BLESSINGS & CARE SWEET JASON XO / Jane Einarson (I care/Friend ) Close
An Angel Peom for Mom and Dad / Julie ~. A. Friend Of Angel Emery McKeen Read >>
An Angel Peom for Mom and Dad / Julie ~. A. Friend Of Angel Emery McKeen
If I could catch a rainbow I would do it just for you and share with you its beauty On the days you're feeling blue If I could build a mountain You could call your very own; A place to find serenity, A place to be alone. If I could take your troubles I would toss them in the sea, But all these things I'm finding are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain Or catch a rainbow fair, But let me be what I know best, A son who's always there.
Just thinking of you and your family / Julie ~. A. Friend Of 2. Suicide Survivors (Em McKeen & Jody Day )Read >>
Just thinking of you and your family / Julie ~. A. Friend Of 2. Suicide Survivors (Em McKeen & Jody Day )
Thank you for the wonderful tribute to Emery's site. I cried my heart out after reading it but it was very healing and I thank you. I am thinking of you and your beloved Jason… His songs are echoing through the heavens today. God Bless You!
When I come to the end of my journey and I travel my last weary mile, just forget, if you can, that I ever frowned and remember only the smile. Forget unkind words I have spoken; remember some good I have done. Forget that I've stumbled and blundered and sometimes fell by the way. Remember I have fought some hard battles and won, ere the close of the day. Then forget to grieve for my going; I would not have you sad for a day, but in summer just gather some flowers and remember the place where I lay, and come in the shade of the evening when the sun paints the sky in the west. Stand for a few moments beside me and remember only my best. -- Author unknown
My heart goes out to Jasons family / Deborah Morris (friend)
I came to this site because my theapist suggested it might help me to reach out to other parents of suicide. I lost my son Zack on 11/13/05 he was only 17. My life has stopped, I have to remind myself to breathe on a daily basis. I dont think I can go on, but I know I have to for my other children and grandchildren. The pain is never ending, and the empty space at the table everynite is unbearable. Zack touched alot of lives and hearts the short time he walked this earth, I pray that both our sons are finally at peace. My prayers are with our families. Please feel free to E-mail me at texaszackbob@yahoo.com. Close
My heart goes out to you! / Cat McChristian (passer by )
I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son Jason. I think you did a beautiful job on his memorial. My son Travis Hueppelsheuser also lived in Colorado Springs. He passed away on January 11, 2001. Basically, our son's took their lives for the same reason. Travis also always wore a smile. I didn't know how hard his life was until he called me and told me a few hours before his passing. Travis also loved people, music, skiing, and living on the edge. As one mother to another, I share your pain and your loss. If ever I can do anything to help you please feel free to ask. My email address is cte08548@centurytel.net. Our sons now live through us. We must be strong and live for your sons.
Blessings & care Jason / Jane Einarson (I care )Read >>
Blessings & care Jason / Jane Einarson (I care ) Hello dear Jason, I have been thinking about you & your Mom. Please watch over your precious family this season. God Bless, Love & respect always XXXOOO Close
So close, no matter how far / Adam Haeffner (Bro)Read >>
So close, no matter how far / Adam Haeffner (Bro)
So many memories of you yesterday, like you planned it and guided me through each one yourself. The hardest thing about this is that it's never ending. Never is becoming more real and it's hard to accept. We all continue to trod through life, but now there is one less companion. We do the same things as always, but there is one less friend to call about boarding this weekend. There is one less friend anxious for the new Tool album and Tool concert. There is one less person to call to talk to about exciting news. It's like a racecar hitting a brick wall every time I'm reminded of you. All the good memories come to a screeching halt as gut-wrenching sorrow accompanies them. There are so many reminders of you everywhere, but now they are just that...reminders, not "remember when"s. Everything is the same, except you're not here and it doesn't make sense because it feels like you still are here. Where did we go wrong? I drive by the same gas stations that we used to stop at on the way to the mountain. I watch the same movies and boarding videos that we watched together. I listen to the same cds that we used to listen to together, but now, I listen to them alone. Now, you're presence is only a bittersweet memory. Now it's a lifetime of waiting. When will I be able to think about you without any grief? When can we be like we used to? I can't wait to laugh with you again. I love you, Bro. Mada Close
Jason, Sometimes I can sense you so clearly that it feels as if I can reach out my hand and touch you. Often I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to ask myself if the past year and half was all a just bad dream - it seems my heart will never be able to fully accept that you are gone. Yet every day - every single beat of my broken heart - and all the empty space in these arms that used to hold you is such a vivid reminder that you really did die - you really aren't just a phone call away, a few hours drive. I can't pull you back into the realm that I used to believe that I had some control over. I can't protect you or reason with you or argue with you or tell you I love you. Being your mom was such a big part of who I am that I am lost - lost in a life that no longer makes sense - lost in the pain that every day washes over me and yet mercilessly will not sweep me away, lost in the longing to feel you warm, alive, and whole again in my arms. I don't know who I am anymore, still haven't answered the question for myself as to how I go on without you. I exist. That's all. I exist.
Nothing will ever be the same again. Dreams will never be as sweet, laughter has lost its joy, certain foods will never again be on my table (how could I eat them without you?) and even the stars are not shining as brightly. You were the light in my house of darkness - you were the giggles and the adventures and the hopes and dreams of an entire lifetime. All that I believed in, hoped in, wished and prayed for - the best of me that I had poured into you - all vanished with your soul when you left this world. Now I am torn between the longing for an eternal home with you and the grounding of my spirit in this body. You released yourself - yet I am tied to your sister, here in the present - unwilling to pass on this pain that you unwittingly left with me. I will not leave another with this legacy.
Every night I look up at the sky and I say your name, Jason. Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do you know how much I love you - how I will always love you until the last breath of life leaves my body? The days that separate us now are just time that I wade through- no longer savoring the days, but existing through them - trying to reach the very last one that will give me back my boy. Some days I feel you near - so near that your death seems an impossibility - but most lonely, empty days - when all I want is one more glimpse of your beautiful smile, one more chance to hear your voice say, "I love you, Mom," one more moment to hold you - you feel as far away as the stars. I look up and wonder, how will I ever go on without you? I love you, Jason. I have always and will always love you. My longing for you has become such a fundamental part of me - the empty place you used to fill a reminder that my life will never be complete again, my heart will never be whole. I prepare myself for the long dark night -and the beginning of endless winter. For without you, there can be no spring. Just endless days of cold.
It seems like this pain will never stop. / Chelsa (Cousin/Friend)Read >>
It seems like this pain will never stop. / Chelsa (Cousin/Friend)
Content: why re some days so much harder than others It seems like this pain will never stop.
You've been gone 17 months now, but it still seems new, still so fresh, and foreign to me. So much has changed, or maybe I'm the only thing thats changed. I can't decide.
I think of you and suddenly I can't help but fall apart. It's so hard to remember when it's breaking my heart.
I'm still looking for something I can't describe. Something to makes us all feel better about this; how do you find something that doesn't exist? I'm trying to find a way to make everything ok, nothing will ever be ok. I just want to breathe again. Trying so hard to find some release.
You were my family, you were the only one who could ever understand. And now I turn to no one. You died and took a part of me with you, so this is whats it's like to be alone?
I want to be angry. I want to lash out. The guilt over powers anger every time. I have no right to pose questions from anger. Does this make me a horrible person, a horrible friend? There's too many questions, there are no answers.
My thoughts are racing so much faster than my heart can handle. I still think about the "if only", and the "what ifs" I can't help but feel it, it's uncontrollable. You were there for me when no one else was, why couldn't I return the favor? I know you needed someone too. "If only..." But all these regrets just won't push aside no matter how much I try. They race through my thoughts all the time, I'll cry until I'm sick. And still nothing, because I can't close my eyes and make this go away. Close
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